Sundays and Holidays
by athingsublime
Summary: In the end, you're more like your parents than you're willing to believe.


**Sundays and Holidays**

**Author:** Noa [a_thing_sublime]  
**Characters/Pairing:** Meredith/Derek  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** Season 2  
**Summary:** In the end, you're more like your parents than you're willing to believe.

**Disclaimer:** All characters, events, settings and situations mentioned in this work are sole property of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, in constitutes fair use.

**Notes:** Thanks to the wonderful Kia for beta-ing and helping with this! Also, I should warn you that this is _not _a happy fic.

In the end, you're more like your parents than you're willing to believe.

At least, that's the only way for Meredith to explain to herself what she's doing in some fancy hotel room in Seattle, being pressed to the wall by no other than Derek Shepherd. The same Derek Shepherd that broke her heart all those years ago, eventually sending her running back to Boston for a chance at a normal life.

Finn understood, sort of. He loved her, she knew that much - and he wanted the life with her. He wanted the marriage and the kids and all that, and if they had to move away to Boston for that, he was willing. Meredith knew she won't be able to attempt a life with him if Derek was around watching her every step, so she suggested moving.

The other thing Meredith knew was that she never loved Finn, and never would. She liked him well enough, he was a decent guy and he looked out for her. He _did_ love her, so she let him believe it was mutual. He was safe, and she needed safe. So they got married, bought a house in the suburbs, and had two girls.

The last thing was the biggest thing for her. It was only with Derek that she ever toyed with the idea of having kids, and the day the stick turned blue, she seriously considered secretly aborting. Meredith couldn't do it to Finn though, and somehow she found herself carrying the pregnancy. She fell in love with Katie and Ally the very first time she saw them, all screaming and dirty.

Her life was good. Happy, even. She was respected at her job, on the sure path to becoming the next head of Neurosurgery, she had two amazingly bright girls, and a husband that was there every evening when she came home. But something was always missing. Deep down, Meredith knew what it was but she refused to admit it to herself, and definitely not to Finn or any of her new friends.

Everything was going well until her Chief decided to send her to a medical conference held by no other than Seattle Grace. Things started to go wrong the moment she 'forgot' to mention to Finn exactly which hospital the conference was held at and everything deteriorated at the reception party.

Meredith was dressed to impress, in a slick indigo dress which complimented her body perfectly - she somehow managed to keep the perks of pregnancy, but none of its negative effects.

The tension was there the moment she walked into the room, five whole minutes before their eyes finally met. They haven't exchanged a word since she and Finn left, but Meredith figured he knew the general outline of her life. She still talked to her fellow then-interns from time to time, and rumors always got around eventually. That was something Meredith didn't miss from Seattle Grace.

Their conversation was awkward at first, both wanting yet reluctant to get personal. They ended up discussing the research Meredith recently started, and the schedule for the conference. Safe, trivial little things. Meredith was good playing safe lately.

Eventually though, they slipped back to the good old banter, and then it started getting dangerous. When he was right next to her, Meredith couldn't ignore the knowledge of what was missing in her life.

This is how she came to find herself back in her fancy hotel room, her dress hiked up to her thighs as Derek pressed her up against the wall. They were quick and passionate the first time around, eager to feel more and more of the other. It has been too long and they both secretly missed the never-ending, insatiable passion between them.

The second time is slower - they take more time appreciate the changes in the other's body, and to rediscover the curves they once knew with eyes closed. A slight wave of pain crosses Derek's heart when he sees her small stretch mark, from a pregnancy he had no part of, but he brushes it away. He missed her so much and he refuses to waste their night on grief.

When they are finally worn out, Derek lies on his back and Meredith settles against his chest. She still fits him so perfectly.

"Now _you_ are _my_ dirty mistress," she whispers, in a cross between pain and amusement.

Derek sighs. For eight years, he prayed for a second chance with her. He did try to move on, but no woman lasted more than a few months - he was unable to give himself, and they all caught on sooner or later and left. He just never thought this would be their reunion - dirty and wrong, yet so incredibly amazing at the same time.

"Are you happy, Mer?" he finally asks, gazing out the window.

"He's good to me," she answers, though she knew he'd see through her vague non-answer. "The girls adore him, and he's... he's a good husband." She trails off and they both know what she's not saying. They also both know she will never break her family apart, not even for him, not even if he promises her the world.

It doesn't stop them from going on "consults" and "medical conferences" a few times a year, for anywhere between a few hours to a few days of that never-ending passion. They never spend time together outside of the various hotel rooms, and they never discuss feelings and happiness again. They just take the most out of each other while they can, and go back to their respective lives.

Finn calls one night, just as they are stumbling in the room, finally falling to the soft, giant bed. Meredith recognizes his ringtone. Derek does too, after all this time of secret meetings with her. They both freeze for a moment, unsure of what their next step should be. Eventually the ringing stops, and Meredith shrugs her shoulders. "I-I will tell him tomorrow I fell asleep early," she murmurs, her fingers still deep in Derek's hair. His reply is wordless, instead crushing his lips back on hers.

He can't think. He shouldn't think. Each tiny mention of her marriage breaks his heart. Each meeting with her does, if Derek is honest with himself. But he can't break away. He can't end this horrid love-affair. He'll take her presence only twice a year for the rest of his life, as long as she's there at all. He will see her beautiful face spread across countless medical journals when there will finally be a breakthrough in her research. He will read the writer mention her married status, and flinch. He will see photos of her girls in her wallet, and die inside when he realizes how much they look like their father. Derek knows he had lost at the game of life, missed out on the love of his life. He knows she will never be fully his, that she will spend Sundays and holidays with her family, while he sits lonely outside his trailer.

But they both take what they can.

It takes a while for Meredith to admit to herself that this thing they're having is an affair. That she's in love with a man that isn't her husband.

That she's repeating Ellis' mistake. Never fully, though. She will never leave her safe husband, risk the future of her daughters, for something that has proven before to fail.

In the end, you're more like your parents than you're willing to believe.

Possibly even worse, if she has to be honest with herself.

She does not follow her feelings, she doesn't risk everything for a chance at true love. She takes the possible time with Derek twice, three times a year. Eventually she goes back home, to her family. Her family that will never be complete, her daughters that will never have Derek's perfect hair or blue eyes, her husband that she never longs for like she longs for Derek.

Meredith settles for the in-between that will never make her, or Derek, truly happy.

She's playing safe.


End file.
